What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes
pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get
the remote control.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there
in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp
knife.
What have women and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the
first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year,
the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same
urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can have a
cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? The woman who ate the
last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a
positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest
breasts? The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the
time she brings it.
Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman
who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support
you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary
things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Your dog is barking at the back door, your wife is yelling at the front
door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you
let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's
told.
I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It's called Wedding Cake.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in someparts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
