Best Short Joke Award

[Lowlife]

Whats the most dangerous animal in the ocean?


Billy the squid.

 

[Onlyme]

How do I get a bigger signature, Im feeling left out

 

[Big_Al_A3]

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A woman won't accept a 3.5" floppy

 

[vrbob]

How do you make a womans toes curl during sex??


Leave her tights on.

 

[silver75]

Stevie Wonder was given a cheese-grater for his birthday....




.....said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

 

[SonicDeathmonkey]

What do women have in common with hurricanes?





They are warm and wet when they come and when they leave, they take the house!

 

[Stringster]

I've got a sarcastic washing machine...


... keeps taking the **** out of my pants.

 

[silver75]

How do I get a bigger signature, Im feeling left out

dont get it

 

[MikeS4]

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?


Well hung.

 

[SonicDeathmonkey]

One cow asks another "hey mate, what do you think of this mad cow disease?"

his buddy replies "it does not bother me, i am a squirrel!"

 

[baynesey]

fish swims into a wall .... DAM!

 

[neil20vt]

Two parrots sat on a perch,one says to the other,can you smell fish !!

 

[silver75]

Two parrots sat on a perch,one says to the other,can you smell fish !!

How does a blind bungee jumper know they are near the ground?

They’ve both got skid marks on their helmets.

 

[baynesey]

what's got two legs and bleeds ..

half a dog

 

[Hairy Ballbag]

Blind bungee jumper?

SHould that not be...

How does a blind sky diver know when to pull his chute?
The lead goes slack...

 

[Hairy Ballbag]

Did you hear about the other suspect car Police found outside Liverpool Airport?

It had tax, insurance and the wheels were on it.

 

[Hairy Ballbag]

Did you hear the name of the Glasgow Airport would-be-bomber?

Singe me-jeep

 

[TDI-line]

lol.

 

[Caesium]

How does a blind bungee jumper know they are near the ground?

They’ve both got skid marks on their helmets.

eh??

 

[smee]

Why did the Lobster blush?

Because the sea weed

 

[silver75]

eh??

A Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot go into a pub and each orders a pint.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

 

[Just Plain Old]

THat made me laugh........ (edited to add, I mean the John Lennon one.)
Here's another Tommy Cooper one,

Two kids caught by the Police eating fireworks and drinking battery acid,,,, they charged one and let the other off!

 

[TDI-line]

Class.

 

[bravepilot]

Tommy Cooper is a legend!

 

[Shades]

I know its not exactly that short but...

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

 

[mac1403]

2 nuns riding bikes down a cobbled street.....one says to the other....u ever come this way before.

 

[mac1403]

A man walks up to the door of his local nightclub with just his underpants on. The bouncer shakes his head and tells him its fancy dress only, to which he replies I am in fancy dress.....I'm a premature ejaculation....I just come in me pants.

 

[mac1403]

I hear they had problems at Bob marleys funeral...the lid of his coffin kept jammin!

 

[smee]

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?


Nothing, it just gave a little wine

 

[TDI-line]

Very funny.

 

[audi80sport]

How did captain hook die?





he had a w@nk with the wrong hand! he he he

 

[TDI-line]

Sick, but funny.

 

[audi80sport]

thats one of the jokes on the jim davidson you tube link i put up watch them you will **** yourself lol

 

[Felon]

Who painted with a brown finger?

Picasso.

 

[Audi-Max]

What did Hannibal Lecter do after dumping his girlfreind?


Wiped his ****!

 

[funkidiva]

agreed! any more 'funnies' anyone

 

[funkidiva]

An Oirish Story.

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
And another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(






I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

 

[funkidiva]

 

[funkidiva]

 

[Felon]

sorry - that was terrible....!!!!