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A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually...

A Irish hobo walks into a pub in London, and approaches the barman. "If I show you an amazing trick, will you give me a free drink?" "Sure" says the barman. So the hobo takes a tiny rat from his pocket along with a tiny piano. The rat cracks his knuckles and begins to play the blues. "Wow"...

:jester:

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the...

Oh dear! :laugh:

Dear Mr. Cameron, Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum...

:applaus: lol is marriage terrible?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days...

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but...

From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this story. Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Better to be ****** off than ****** on. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion...

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking...

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which...

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy ****** busy. After a night of drink and wild sex Bill...

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died...

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded lol 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has...

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program...

Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and...

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a...