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Workshop Tools...

Discussion in 'Jokes, Games & Humour' started by Arrkon, Jan 6, 2013.

  1. Arrkon
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    Arrkon Midlands regional Moderator

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    For those who may be unfamiliar with the various workshop tools and their design purpose:-

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, jackets and expensive - coloured double-bubble screens.

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age,or for snatching large pieces of metal out of your hand and beating you with them - but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel!!

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    MOLE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads if nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in your garage and finding concealed fuel pipes. Also handy for igniting the hidden grease inside a hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 15mm or 13mm socket you've been desperately searching for the last 20 minutes.

    PEDESTAL DRILL: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your tea across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE: A tool for calling your neighbour and or forum buddy to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading brown sauce on a bacon sarnie; used mainly for getting dog-sh1t off your boots.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

    TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

    TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

    1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a lead acid battery to nearby painted objects, your clothing and the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that howitzer shells might be used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. Impossible to position in a spot that doesn't cast your work in shadow, it is more often dark than light; its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in an oil-burning power plant 50 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty wheel bolts last tightened 20 years ago by someone at the Factory, and rounds or snaps them off.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

    I fear this may start something :lmfao:
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