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Wednesday Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by imported_Rooney, May 4, 2005.

  1. imported_Rooney
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    imported_Rooney Guest

    No offence was meant and no animals were hurt in the making of these jokes.



    Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He failed to show up for the next two nights . Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds. She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?"

    He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman".

    "/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/swear.gif!" she cried. "What were you doing?".

    "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.

    "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.

    "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.

    "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

    Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    THE IRISH CANDLE STORY

    Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

    The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

    She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

    The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

    She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

    The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

    She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

    Some years later they met again.

    The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

    The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

    She replied, "Oh yes, Father!

    Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

    The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"

    She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the first
    guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this
    guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says," I'm green with NV".The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and
    have a drink."

    A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather
    boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party.

    A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

    Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokin discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair".

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    "Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked"

    10. No one ever steals your chair.

    9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

    8. Diverts attention from the fact
    that you also came to work drunk.

    7. People stop stealing your pens after
    they've seen where you keep them.

    6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

    5. To stop those creepy programmer
    guys from looking down your blouse.

    4. "I'd love to chip in...
    but I left my wallet in my pants."

    3. Inventive way to finally meet that
    'special' person in Human Resources.

    2. Can take advantage of your computer
    monitor radiation to work on your tan.

    And...drum roll...
    the Number One reason to go to work naked :

    Your boss will never say,
    "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
    #1
  2. DaveACQ20v
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    DaveACQ20v Member

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    superb /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_roll.gif
    #2
  3. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    Brilliant....... LMAO /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_roll.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif
    #3
  4. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    All very good. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_2.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_2.gif
    #4
  5. Rev-head
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    Rev-head Active Member

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    Excellent Read /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_roll.gif
    #5
  6. IanL-S3
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    IanL-S3 Member

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    all top work /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bravo.gif
    #6

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