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Top Tips

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by neversaydie, Feb 3, 2006.

  1. neversaydie
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    neversaydie Post Whore

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    [Feb 3, 2006]
    Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle
    the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the
    washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that
    it has gone.


    Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
    object you wish to view.


    Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
    you'll
    also be getting paid for it.


    Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
    filling the bath with cold water
    adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.


    Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
    handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.


    Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes

    again.


    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
    vibrator.


    Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a

    bit slower.


    Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
    from
    the butt of your last one.


    Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
    veal.
    Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
    'tastes exactly like the real thing',
    they won't know the difference.


    Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
    made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
    and
    ask for a nice steak.


    High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
    thus reducing the pressure in your veins.


    Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
    cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
    insulate your roof.


    Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
    starting a journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as
    well look like one.


    A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
    rolling over and going back to sleep.


    Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your

    feet twice on each stair.


    At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
    Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.


    Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All
    he's interested in is seeing
    you starkers.


    Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
    fishes'
    eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.


    AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
    wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


    HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for

    the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other
    in
    your coat pocket.


    DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the
    offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive
    #1
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  3. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    [Feb 3, 2006]
    Excellent NSD......some real top tips there.....
    It's our lasses birthday soon - now were did I leave that cigar case....But before I look - I'm just nipping for an 'Eartha Kitt' - whilst I'm getting paid for it /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ok.gif
    #2
  4. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    [Feb 3, 2006]
    Brilliant. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif
    #3
  5. rickquattro
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    rickquattro Member

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    [Feb 3, 2006]
    [ QUOTE ]
    But before I look - I'm just nipping for an 'Eartha Kitt' - whilst I'm getting paid for it /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ok.gif

    [/ QUOTE ]

    I too, gentle reader, often have to take a spin in the Council Gritter during the day.... One must be careful not too stay too long though or you will be taking it up the Gary Glitter (every pun intended), from your boss...
    #4
  6. jdp1962
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    jdp1962 Grumpy Old Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    [Feb 3, 2006]
    Top classs, NSD!
    #5

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