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Tommy Cooper Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by MikeA3, Oct 7, 2005.

  1. MikeA3
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    MikeA3 Active Member VCDS Map User

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    [Oct 7, 2005]
    Apologies if some of these have been posted before but there still very funny

    Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would
    have seen it.

    Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press
    the hash key..."

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
    shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
    any.

    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
    reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
    doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've
    cut your arms off.

    I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it
    sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
    hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says
    "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

    'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like
    Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

    A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
    anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
    him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
    Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

    Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
    backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

    Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

    What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
    lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my
    family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
    Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

    Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one
    says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the
    other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

    "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
    a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

    A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
    The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

    Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
    two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
    workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
    digging continues into the night.
    #1
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  3. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    [Oct 7, 2005]
    Yeah, been done before, but what the hell, it is friday. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif
    #2
  4. Soupie69uk
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    Soupie69uk Owner

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    [Oct 7, 2005]
    Good jokes!!
    #3
  5. mandyray
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    mandyray Member

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    [Oct 7, 2005]
    /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_2.gif Loving the friday feeling round here today!
    #4
  6. Crombie
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    Crombie Member

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    [Jul 25, 2009]
    TC/Tim Vine:

    I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
    -----------------------
    This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
    ------------------------
    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
    -----------------------
    I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
    ----------------------------
    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
    ---------------------------
    I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
    ------------------------------
    I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
    --------------------------
    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
    ------------------------
    I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
    ---------------------------
    I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
    ----------------------------
    I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
    ----------------------------
    I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
    ---------------------------
    The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
    --------------------------
    I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
    ----------------------
    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
    --------------------------
    I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
    ----------------------------
    I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
    --------------------------------
    This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
    --------------------------
    I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
    ------------------------------
    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
    ----------------------
    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
    -------------------------
    I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
    ------------------------
    I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
    ---------------------------
    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
    --------------------------------
    I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
    --------------------------------
    A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2009
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  7. voorhees
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    voorhees Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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  8. jojo
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    jojo S3 Drift King! Staff Member Moderator

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    [Jul 25, 2009]
    Are you sure he''s not Supaman?
    #7
  9. voorhees
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    voorhees Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    [Jul 25, 2009]
    or superman ;)
    #8
  10. Crombie
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    Crombie Member

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    [Jul 25, 2009]
    Ald jokes fer ald threads [​IMG]

    The Doctor [​IMG] maybe more apt

    [​IMG]
    #9
  11. Nilz
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    Nilz Defo worth the wait :)

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    [Jul 26, 2009]
    Takin it back to the ol' skool......rrrreeeeewwwwiiiiinnnnndddddd!!!!!!
    #10

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