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Tommy Cooper is alive and well, & driving an Audi

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by jdp1962, May 5, 2005.

  1. jdp1962
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    jdp1962 Grumpy Old Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

    "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

    "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

    "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

    "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

    "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

    "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

    "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

    "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said ' Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'

    He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of Freedom in these trousers, yes.'

    I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan, sweetie.'

    So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

    "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."

    "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

    "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
    #1
  2. OutLore
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    OutLore VOIP Dude

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    /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif
    #2
  3. Broken Byzan
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    Broken Byzan Photographic Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    "careered off the road."

    BRILLIANT ,lol
    #3
  4. DaveACQ20v
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    DaveACQ20v Member

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    Genius /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif
    #4
  5. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    Legend. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/beerchug.gif
    #5
  6. CJ A4
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    CJ A4 Active Member

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    Very funny /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_2.gif
    #6
  7. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    Fanstastic...... great memories
    #7
  8. neversaydie
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    neversaydie Post Whore

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    bloody excellent - well done- you hit it big time on those!
    #8
  9. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    Heres a few more...

    A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

    My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.

    So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."

    A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
    The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
    The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
    The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

    I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

    Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

    So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

    I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
    #9
  10. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    Excellent.... /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bravo.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ok.gif
    #10
  11. jdp1962
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    jdp1962 Grumpy Old Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    So i said to the doctor, "Doctor, I've broken my arm in two places."
    The doctor says: "Well don't go to those places."
    #11
  12. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    " A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
    #12
  13. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    "do you know, I've got the best wife in England.......... the other one's in Africa"

    "The Front doors bolted............ I said well it cant get far can it"
    #13
  14. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    "Now before I do my next trick, I'd like to say this"........[sniff]......"THIS""
    #14
  15. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    [​IMG] /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif [​IMG] /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif [​IMG] /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif
    #15

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