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the Squirrel

Discussion in 'Rants & Raves' started by voorhees, Jan 13, 2007.

  1. voorhees
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    voorhees Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:


    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
    improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
    thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
    winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no
    food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


    THE END


    THE U.K. VERSION:


    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
    house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a
    fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the
    squirrel is warm and well fed.


    A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
    and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well
    fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
    starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
    grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm
    home with a table laden with food.


    The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
    country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while
    others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The
    Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The
    BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
    breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall
    Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that
    the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
    immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and
    increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.


    In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
    Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning
    of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and
    fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing
    on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
    grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council
    house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to
    ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re
    distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the
    grasshopper.


    Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed
    retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new
    home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
    temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to
    Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival
    they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of
    dogs.


    The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
    attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them
    pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return
    them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would
    face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money
    from peoples credit cards.


    A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
    squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house
    he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the
    house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
    blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.


    The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
    arrival in UK.


    The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
    get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
    because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of
    the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he
    has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.


    A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the
    obvious, is set up.


    Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
    grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
    increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
    enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
    government for failing to befriend the cats.


    The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
    blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
    despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.


    They call for the resignation of a minister.


    The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed
    when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United
    Kingdom.


    The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
    burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
    credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and
    order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
    shortfall in government funds.


    THE END




    I would of posted this in jokes but I don't believe it is a joke
    #1
  2. 1210tech
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    1210tech Four Ring Fanatic

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    i'm likin that, and so so so true! emmigration is such a temptation, but it would have to be some where like oz because of their immigration laws!....saying that, they probably wouldn't let my lazy ass in!!!:lmfao:
    #2

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