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The Audi Brand according to Uncyclopedia

S3IZZO Jun 10, 2008

  1. S3IZZO

    S3IZZO Guest

    Audi is a German automobile maker with headquarters in Haraevjk, Croatia.
    Audi's German tagline is "Vorsprung durch Technik"; this is usually used untranslated, or sometimes in its English translation, "Get out of the ******* way, you dickhead!", but basically it is just translates to "frequently in the shop". JD Power and Associates customer research shows some people drive Mercedes and this typically reflects them as being big wussy's. Edmunds car journal conducted an independent study in collaboration with Chubacca LLC and discovered BMW's are not really "The Ultimate Driving Machinge" as the companies tagline suggest; yet they are still nice to drive. Asian Luxury imports don't really matter as they all simply rebadge cars made by the base brand companies. It is with this that logically and through several scientific research studies that AUDI is named the "WORLDS MOST DOMINANT AUTO MANUFACTURER".
    [edit] The origins of Audi

    The company was founded in the year 12697 B.C. by Steven Seagal. Recently, theories have arose citing a guy named "Clivey" from Wellingborough, Northants, England possibly originated the original AUDI concept. Even though VEE DUB (VW) clearly created AUDIs to compete with the awesomeness of Jaquar and Aston Martin.
    It is a popular misunderstanding that Audi is an acronym for "Auto Union Deutschland Ingolstadt". Audi in fact stands for "Arsch Und Disch Insch", which roughly translates as "Cock Up Your ****". Cars were briefly sold in Saudi Arabia under the Cuya badge, but sales were disappointing.
    Audi produces over 2 vehicles annually at its main production site in Haraevjk. Additionally, they manufacture 50,000 fake plastic cabbages per week at a production plant in Vietname, Laos.
    Audi's four-ring logo is well-known among Audi owners and meaningless to the rest of the world. The rings are said to reflect Audi's guiding principles: 'Volkswagen twin', 'awkward gadgetry', 'not better than ANY BMW', and made in the US, so you know its a fine quality brand.
    Audi owners tend to be pretentious douchebags who will frequently remind you that their car is more German than yours. In fact Audi owners (after extensive Chubacca LLC research) have been found to have an inferiority complex to the mighty PORSHCE owners. Another interesting fact about Audi owners is that they frequently forget about the D-R-E which, more often than not, results in death.
    Julian Lee now owns Audi after buying them and combining Mercedes-Benz, BMW, Audi, Volvo, Lexus, Infiniti, Jaguar and Volkswagen to become MeBAuVoLeFiniJaGen.
    [edit] Early Models

    The first car, the "Rugmunchen", rolled off the production line in 1907 to much critical acclaim. This took place well before Henry Ford's "Model T" rolled off the "assembly lines" in 1997. Later models such as the "A4 Fascist" (a VW Jetta Clone), "TTeabag" (knock off of the VW Bug), and the "RS8 Kebab" (Porshce 911 Boxster poser) and Panzerkampfwagen IX appeared in the 2030s and 2040s. Motoring journalist Jeremy Clarkson described the Kebab as being "...like a turbocharged Hitler with wheels".
    The TTeabag went on to be adapted as the GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bi, and Tranny) organizations select theme car. These are easily identified by the sparkly rainbow bumper stickers. In 1959, the rainbow coalition joined forces with AUDI to create the AFU1, a surprisingly heavy coupe thats light on its feet, very fuel efficient (requiring only Xstacy fuel tablets), and has a motor with specially tuned exhausts tips designed to produce a "Its Raining Men" melody when revved hard. The Panzerkampfwagen IX "Cheesecrusher" tank has been deployed to Iraq (pronounced "I-RAWK, YOU SUCK") in 2004 and has proven highly successfully over the last few years on the eastern front during World War II.
    [edit] Rallying Success

    After World War II, nobody wanted to buy German cars for fear of looking like a Nazi. Audi struggled until the 1970s when they invented FOUR wheel drive. The "Tres" featured a 2.2 litre turbocharged six cylinder engine, which as the most powerful Audi engine ever made, created an astounding 460 brake horsepower. It made all the other rallying teams look like a bunch of ******* amateurs. The head of the 1976 Audi rallying team, Horst von Ubermensch would reportedly stamp up and down, dressed in an SS uniform, shrieking "You're not singing any more!" at less successful British rival teams. This became pronounced at the "J.M.R.S.H.T.W.I.L.I.B.M.S. internationals" (Jump My Racer So High That When I Land I Blow my Suspension)" as suped up S4 went head to head with WRX's, EVO lancers and Chevy Impalas. (A sight to see indeed). Alas, the 15 year dominance of AUDI rally sports came to a screeching hault with the introduction of Renault owned Nissan Skyline GTRally in 2000. At since which time AUDI has decided to set its eyes on winning GTR racing as a way of showing up their new rally rivals... (RS8)
    [edit] Modern Audis

    Being part of Volkswagen there is no real difference between the two cars. So many people enjoy feeling important that VW created a new car name for those who want to waste their money on a 'fancy' VW, similarly to how people feel when driving a gussied-up Toyota, or Lexus.
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
    The first ever car designed to allow the driver to hear people shouting "****" at them

    In the 1990s, Audi chased their earlier success by bringing cars such as the TT to the market. The TT was exclusively designed to appeal to women who work in marketing, and computer programmers with no imagination. There are some claims that this model was inspired by Lada. Later, with the addition of the cabriolet version, camp hairdressers were targeted in Audi's marketing campaign. Again, the Toyota Camry Solara stole the show, and much to Audi's disgrace, call it the Audi S4.
    The current Audi lineup includes the creatively named A3, A4, A5, A6 and A8 models. They also produce a SUV model, called the 747-Q7, along side the Chevrolet Tracker in Lagos, Nigera. Audi have repeatedly denied running out of car names, and in 2002 a spokesman stated "Britischer schwinhunds! Schutup about ze car names, mein gott!".
    Rumour also has it that Audi are already working on the next range of models including an updated version of the A4 intended for middle-managers, travelling salesmen, drug trafickers and everyones favourite off-duty white-van-man. The A55-h-01e is the car most people are likely to see behind them. With it's impatient accelerator and random-horn blower it's every bit the vehicle that Audi wanted it to be. From 0-60 in 4.7 seconds as long as it's behind you, reverting to 48975.6 seconds once in front and with a V6 (3 x V2 rocket) engine under the hood, this car can reach an astonishing 216 "F***ing Audi Driver's" per hour. Like all Audi's the handling could be improved as it's difficult to tell which A55-h-01e drivers have had 6 quarts of whiskey from those who haven't.
    Audi's critics are harping on that their new models still don't go far enough to meet the latest Encap standards. Audi have resisted the urge to implement the safety-explosives which cause the driver to slow down once triggered by the GPS speed-safety-awareness system. They have also forgotten to wire up the indicators stating that "Most of our customers, who are der bestist customers in der vorld, do not vont indicators when ve could give zem an extra 0.5mph instead". Despite these minor problems, we reckon this will be the Audi you spot in your rear view mirror any day now.
    [edit] Keys

    Unbeknownst to most people, the process for obtaining a key for an Audi car is long, expensive, and painful. In fact, a recent study showed that getting a key for your Audi is one of the most painful experiences in the world, second only to a trip to the DMV. 98% of Audi owners have committed suicide after losing their keys. Although it is little more than a piece of metal strapped to an oversized Lego brick, the key is almost impossible to obtain. First, one must venture to the Audi dealer, where they will take hair, urine, fecal, stomach, intestinal, and brain samples so that no person, not even you, will be able to operate your Audi. Additionally, an anal probe will be conducted. Afterwards, one must pay $1200 dollars for an Audi “specialist" (a little known craftsperson who lives in the middle of the jungle in Paraguay) to glue a piece of metal onto the oversized Lego brick. The journey does not end here. Then the brick gets sent to a different specialist in a different forest (with $400 of your money) to laser engrave the key design with Darth Vader’s Lightsaber. At this point, the Lego brick key will open the Audi but not be able to do anything useful (except build an airplane or boat). The key will then be sent to yet another specialist in yet another secluded Forest (with yet another $800 of your money) so that it will be able to turn on your car. Many Audi owners skip the whole process by getting a spare key sub-dermally implanted, just in case.
    [edit] Quattro

    Many Audi models are offered with four-wheel drive called Quattro. The purpose of this is to make the car heavier and slower, so you spend more time at the gas station (when comparable models from other manufacturers consume a lot less fuel), which has the advantage that you get to flirt with the hot female staff there more often and get laid more often, approximately 4 times as often as non-Quattro drivers, hence the name.
    [edit] Trivia

    • Early versions of the Quattro four wheel drive system featured a rabbit gaffer taped to each wheel to improve stability. In stead, it made the vehicle flip over, ejecting its occupants (usually under-paid accountants).
    • Many VW owners with small privates drive Audi's to compensate.
    • 'Audi' is pronounced 'Bolosok' by people who can't pronounce 'Audi' properly.
    • Audi produce approximately 29,000 cars every other minute.
    • Each one is personally autographed by David Hasselhof's great aunt, Betsy Hasselhof.
    • It is illegal in most countries to drive an Audi on the road betweeen 5.16 PM and 6.00 PM.
    • The letters in Audi can be rearranged to say "Duai," which is Moroccan for "jockstrap"
    • MC Hammer wrote the song "Can't touch this" after a maniac driving an Audi 80 repeatedly tried to run him down and failed. We think the driver was called Steve. If you see him, get him!!
    • It is said that a guy somewhere in England called jason, has 0000 "the mark of the devil" etched onto his forehead. (sad ******).
    • There is also an Audi owner who lives near Birmingham that looks like TRONGUY! Weird **** indeed.
    • Each Audi is made of at least 1 ton of DU-laced steel,so why don't you take your FIAT and stick it up yours...(don't make my come,you ******)
    • Each Audi is guaranteed to get you laid at least once a week!(Actual count of times depends on your model/year)
    • Each Audi has only two pedals - clutch and brake,because the accelerator has only two settings- On and Off.
  2. buckas

    buckas Member

  3. tjm69

    tjm69 Member

    [​IMG] [​IMG]
    The first ever car designed to allow the driver to hear people shouting "****" at them

    pmsl :w00t:

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