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stupid state of Health and safey

Discussion in 'Rants & Raves' started by nickel101, Aug 14, 2007.

  1. nickel101

    nickel101 Member

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    i get so annoyed with health and safety protagonists.

    Clown banned from using balloons in his act, because of potential latex allergic reation to kids

    http://uk.news.yahoo.com/afp/20070814/tuk-britain-entertainment-a7ad41d_1.html

    Man not allowed to wear T-shirt as it could be seen as offensive.. ( what happened to free speech??)

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6944008.stm

    it pisses me off.. :motz: :wtf: :keule:

    ps joke attached

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
    opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it . full speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson: "We're not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."


    Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
     
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  3. filipharvey

    filipharvey Amusing Tagline

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    WTF???
    How is that offensive?
     
  4. Staz

    Staz is a retronaut
    Staff Member Moderator VCDS Map User

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    That joke is far too long to read!

    I better hide my t-shirt:

    "Everybody should love animals

    They are so tasty"

    Was planning to buy more too!
     
  5. jojo

    jojo Looking for Boost!
    Staff Member Moderator quattro Audi S3

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    My T-Shirt says '**** IT'
     

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