Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. Thatll keep the lazy ****** busy. After a night of drink and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. Thats when he realized he had made it home safely. My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someones Advent calendar Ive been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, Never mind son, maybe next year youll get a speaking part. Just had my water bill of £100 drop on my mat. Thats a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think. 2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes . I think they were Hovis Witnesses.