Scientists to investigate rift in Old Trafford time continuum Scientists are to investigate a potential breakdown in the laws of the Universe which appear to have centred themselves over Old Trafford, the home of Manchester United. The move comes after a number of reports claimed that a serious manipulation of the space time continuum had been successfully attained. One witness told us, I was watching the football, minding my own business, when this two minutes appeared from nowhere. I dont know if these minutes appeared in other parts of the country - or whether it just happened to us - but it made us all feel quite funny. Glitch Professor Allbright of the Institute of Time Studies told us, For years we have had individual reports of glitches in the time continuum, Many reports coming from men having dinner with potential in-laws on evenings that apparently stretched into weeks. But this is the first time weve had a report which affected so many people in a single location, its a significant breakthrough! The investigation is likely to centre on the pitch at Old Trafford, which has become something of a Bermuda triangle for space-time anomalies. Conspiracy Bedroom conspiracy theorists have long held that Manchester United boss, Sir Alex Ferguson, has been born with the gift of time manipulation, a bit like that Japanese bloke in Heroes. Its easy to spot when its going to happen, said keen conspiracy theorist, Dwight Fleck, 26. He waits until the last few minutes of a game which Manchester United are not winning, then stands-up and engages his pitch-side thousand yard stare. Whilst looking out onto the pitch, he then begins rapidly and angrily tapping his watch. Somewhat miraculously, all these extra minutes then appear from nowhere. Professor Allbright concluded, We need funding to investigate this further, because if could harness the time generation properties witnessed at Old Trafford, it might make long distance space travel a reality for this generation.