Post your jokes here

B

bainsyboy

Guest
seeming as i have to hunt high and low for some of the jokes on here, cant we just have one place to post them.

Here goes and seeming as its a audi site, ( i know its a bit old but )


Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people
in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons.""

You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have
five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
 
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif
 
haha good one /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif
 
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, One day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in Such great condition for 10 years.
Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the Bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. "No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on The table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he Grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with Her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, I'll do the f**king dishes!".
 
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger
and take three Hail Mary's for your penance"

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."


This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?

"A new woman in the parish," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance."

The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy quietly replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
 
>A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and
> agrees to spend the night with her
>for $500.
>
>He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
>he tells her that he does not have any cash with him,
> but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,!
> calling the payment
>"RENT FOR
>APARTMENT."
>
>On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
>
>realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.!
>
>So he has his secretary send a check for
>$250 and enclosed the following typed note:
> Dear Madam:
>
>Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
>apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
>rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
>
> 1) it had never been occupied;
>2) that there was plenty of heat; and
>3) that it was
>small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
>However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
>that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
>
>Upon receipt of the note,
> the girl immediately returned the check for $250
>with the following note:
>
>Dear Sir,
>
>First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
> beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
>As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
>if you know how to turn it on.
>
>
> Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
> but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
>please don't blame the landlady.
>
>Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
>contact your present landlady.
 
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.00."
 
3 explorers are in the jungle, when suddenly they are captured by the local tribe and taken back to the tribes leader.

The tribe leader informs the men that they must go into the jungle and bring back 5 pieces of fruit and present them to him.

The 1st explorer goes and brings back 5 apples.

The leader says to him that to save his life he must insert all 5 apples up his harris without flinching, and that if he flinches he will be killed instantly.

The 1st explorer inserts the first apple with no problem, the second apple alas caused him to flinch, the leader killed him instantly.

The 2nd explorer comes back with 5 small berries.
Again the tribes leader explains that to save his life he must insert all 5 berries up his harris without flinching otherwise he will be killed instantly.

The 2nd explorer inserts the 1st berry, then the 2nd berry 3rd and 4th, as he goes to insert the last berry he begins to laugh hysterically, The leader kills him instantly.


Up in heaven the 1st explorer asks the 2nd explorer " what went wrong? i saw you insert all 4 berries and then you started to laugh like a mad man and ended getting killed for doing so "

Well says the 2nd explorer, i was ok up untill i saw the other guy coming back with 5 grapefruits
 
A man goes to the doctors saying "Doc, you've got to help me, I've got 5 pen1ses!"

"Really" says the doctor, "how do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove" the man replies!

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/beerchug.gif
 
A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father ponders for a moment, and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.

"So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?" the boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers." The father replied "That's my boy."
 
>A young guy from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big
>"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
>
>The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
>
>The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
>
>Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
>tomorrow I'll come down after we close and see how you did" His first
>day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was
>locked up, the boss came down.
>
>"How many sales did you make today?"
>
>The kid says, "One."
>
>The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
>You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job!
>How
>much was the sale for?"
>
>The kid says, "$112,237.64."
>
>The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
>
>
>Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
>fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
>fishing rod.
>
>Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
>lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the
>boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't
>think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
>automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him
>how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6
>days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in
>camper for the truck."
>
>The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
>a boat, a truck and a camper?"
>
>Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and
>I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
>
 
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.



"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and, while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's ****."



"What did you do?" asks the doctor.



"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"



"I don't remember much after that!"
 
Got locked out the car today. Luckily a landrover with a load of army lads stopped. I honestly thought they were going to just smash the window, but one of them just runbbed his *** up and down the door......****** hell, the central locking clicked and the door opened. I asked how he managed to do that, and he replied.......I'm wearing kahki pants!
 
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