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Poor Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by porker968, Aug 20, 2004.

  1. porker968
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    porker968 Member

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    [Aug 20, 2004]
    A man goes to the doctor and says,
    "Doctor, I'm having trouble with my hearing".
    "What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
    The man replies, "A yellow TV cartoon family".
    #1
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  3. S3K
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    S3K Member

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    [Sep 10, 2004]
    A bit late but haha /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
    #2
  4. jesters3
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    jesters3 Active Member VCDS Map User

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    [Sep 14, 2004]
    Jesus. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_roll.gif
    #3
  5. macca666
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    macca666 Member

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    [Sep 15, 2004]
    Heaven's New Policy

    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
    "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This [censored] me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

    The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

    A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

    "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

    The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

    A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

    #4
  6. MarkS3
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    [Sep 20, 2004]
    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

    "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

    Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

    Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

    We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

    You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

    Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget

    to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

    USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    The wife stared at him.

    "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied,

    "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car."
    #5
  7. MarkS3
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    MarkS3 Member

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    [Sep 20, 2004]
    Out of the blue, a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine called me the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the great times and wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
    "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older, a bit greyer and a lot balder than when you last saw me!"
    She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
    "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
    She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby, bald, greying men were cute!

    "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself"

    So I hung up.
    #6
  8. MarkS3
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    MarkS3 Member

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    [Sep 20, 2004]
    A guy starts talking to two women in a pub. They turn out
    to be Siamese twins and they wind up back at his flat.

    He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other.
    He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks
    her what she'd like to do.

    She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play
    your trombone."

    So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

    A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apaerment
    building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that
    guy."

    The other girl says, "Gee... do you think he'll remember us?"
    #7
  9. MarkS3
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    MarkS3 Member

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    [Sep 20, 2004]
    ok i have stopped now!
    #8
  10. jesters3
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    jesters3 Active Member VCDS Map User

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    [Sep 21, 2004]
    Why'd the chicken cross the road?

    To get to the other side.
    #9
  11. macca666
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    [Sep 23, 2004]
    A woman is out on the the Golf course when she comes running into the clubhouse. She tells the Steward that she is just after getting stung. Where he asks and she replies "between the 1st and 2nd hole".

    Aahh says the Steward. I think you are standing with your legs too far apart !
    #10

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