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old, but still funny...

Discussion in 'Jokes, Games & Humour' started by L1 HCS, Jan 18, 2011.

  1. L1 HCS
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    L1 HCS Active Member

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    Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section
    of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The
    deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks
    on his back, flippers, and face mask.

    A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
    massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
    identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
    clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

    It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off
    the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking
    to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
    helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
    ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

    You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
    Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
    300 feet in the air.

    Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

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    A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in
    the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally
    slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was
    dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

    His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut
    and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called
    for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill,
    went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and
    escort them to her husband.

    While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to
    right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up
    the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the
    toilet.

    After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
    shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
    into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
    to his business.

    About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

    The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
    husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his
    trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once
    again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was
    dispatched.

    As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance
    they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
    They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the
    husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

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    The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
    spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
    expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
    cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
    killer whale ate them both.
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    A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
    frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
    from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
    from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
    breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
    listening to his Walkman.
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    Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
    pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .

    Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a
    broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were
    trampled to death.
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    Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
    bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting
    it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
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    #1

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