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Monday Humour

hop2407 Mar 20, 2006

  1. hop2407

    hop2407 Active Member

    1,408
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    Old ones maybe.........


    The Memorial Stone

    A woman's husband dies. He had £30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the £30,000 left.

    The friend says, "How can that be?

    The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me £6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was £500, and I spent another £500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. . The rest went for the memorial stone."

    The friend says, "£22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

    The widow says, "Three carats."

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    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money, Instead I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

    --------------------------------------------

    A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

    Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

    Lion says: "If I roar in the savannah, the entire savannah is afraid of me."

    The chicken says: "Big deal I only have to sneeze, and the entire planet Sh !ts itself."

    --------------------------------------------
     
  2. beaker

    beaker Member

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    Nice! Like the second one.
     
  3. marriedblonde

    marriedblonde Active Member

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    /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif ha ha very good
     

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