hop2407
Registered User
Old ones maybe.........
The Memorial Stone
A woman's husband dies. He had £30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the £30,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me £6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was £500, and I spent another £500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. . The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "£22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
---------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money, Instead I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner ****** by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
--------------------------------------------
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "If I roar in the savannah, the entire savannah is afraid of me."
The chicken says: "Big deal I only have to sneeze, and the entire planet Sh !ts itself."
--------------------------------------------
The Memorial Stone
A woman's husband dies. He had £30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the £30,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me £6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was £500, and I spent another £500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. . The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "£22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
---------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money, Instead I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner ****** by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
--------------------------------------------
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "If I roar in the savannah, the entire savannah is afraid of me."
The chicken says: "Big deal I only have to sneeze, and the entire planet Sh !ts itself."
--------------------------------------------
