I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had Â£1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were Â£70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.' ...and Bully's special prize....... Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.