1. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David Hasselhoff allows to live. 3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny. 4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. 5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself. 7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back. 8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity. 9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down. 10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets David instead. 11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero. 12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him. 13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh*t. 14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill. 15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding. 16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children. 18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear. 19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. 20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response. 21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. 22. When David Hasselhoff does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. 23. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him. 24. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. 25. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence. 26. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares. 27. The eternal connundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.