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DIY Jargon Explained...

DavidR Nov 29, 2005

  1. DavidR

    DavidR Active Member

    Rotate anticlockwise.

    Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

    This is a snug fit.

    You will skin your knuckles!

    This is a tight fit.

    Not a hope in hell matey!

    As described in Chapter 7...

    That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.


    Hammer a screwdriver into...


    Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

    Retain tiny spring...

    "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

    Press and rotate to remove bulb...

    OK, thatÂ’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.


    Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

    Weekly checks...

    If it isn't broken don't fix it!

    Routine maintenance...

    If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

    One spanner rating.

    Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

    Two spanner rating.

    Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

    Three spanner rating.

    But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

    Four spanner rating.

    You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

    Five spanner rating.

    OK, but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

    If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...



    Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.


    Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!


    You are about to cut yourself!

    Retaining nut...

    Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Get an assistant...

    Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.

    However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

    But you swear in different places.

    Prise away plastic locating pegs...

    Snap off...

    Using a suitable drift...

    The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

    Everyday toolkit

    Ensure you have an AA Card & Mobile Phone

    Apply moderate heat...

    Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.


    List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do
  2. madvw

    madvw Active Member

    too true..., too true...
  3. god_thats_quick

    god_thats_quick Numptie of the highest order

    so very very funny... some of that covers my last few weekends torment first changing the discs and pads then trying to change the wishbone bushes only to have anything that could go wrong go wrong more than once! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_roll.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif
  4. hop2407

    hop2407 Active Member

    Absolutely Mint...... PMSL at all especially the "Retain TIny Spring" and the meaning.... /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif

    All too true.....
  5. Khufu

    Khufu Well-Known Member

    Can we also add the recommended repair times from AutoData = take figure and multiply by 10! Nice one Dave /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

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