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Delivery men...

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Ads, Dec 19, 2011.

  1. Ads
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    Ads License to drive

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    I bought a new TV a little while back from Comet. On the day of delivery two delivery guys turned up with the TV and carried it into my hallway. I signed all the paperwork but before they left one of the men asked if they could use my toilet so I let him.

    Me and the other delivery man waited in the hallway, directly outside of the toilet, and had a bit of small talk.
    A minute or so passed and the other guy came out of the toilet, said thanks, and the two of them left.

    I walked into my bathroom and could smell straight away that he had taken a big sh*t in my toilet!

    I didn't like the idea that he'd done it but guessed he must've been pretty desperate to do it in a customer's house.



    A week later (the weekend just gone) I waited in for more delivery guys from Comet as I had decided to get a refund on the TV as it was faulty. A different set of delivery guys turned up this time, they came in, I signed the paperwork for the TV's collection, and before they left one of the men asked if he could use my toilet.
    I paused for a second because of what the last one did, but thought the same wouldn't happen again, so I said he could use it.

    Me and the other guy stood outside the bathroom door and had some small talk and waited for the other guy to finish.

    A minute or two passed and then I heard the toilet flush.


    .....and then I heard air freshener being sprayed. :huh:


    The guy came out, said thanks, and they both left.


    I went into the bathroom and could smell that this guy had also taken a big sh*t in my toilet! :faint:

    Oh and not only had he left a smell, he had also left a couple of brown skid marks on the inside of the toilet bowl.


    What's their actual problem?! (apart from probably having the sh*ts!)
    If I was delivering something to a complete stranger I just don't think I could take a dump in their toilet, especially not if they were standing just on the other side of the door.

    There's a McDonalds just down the road, i'm sure they could've waited a few minutes and gone there!

    I feel abused.
    #1
  2. Ads

    Ads

    [Jan 28, 2015]

  3. damo.h
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    damo.h DVLA Say it's Black

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    I think the guys from comet might have a **** board going back in the depot, and yr in the lead my son lol

    But more to the point ads you seen to have developed a fetish for going in to check if the seat is warm and inhale bum gas.

    Dirty boy;)
    #2
  4. Ads
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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    I think you could be right there, that did cross my mind. :mad:

    The first time it happened I went into the bathroom because I needed to take a slash. But I admit, the second time around I went in there to see what I could smell. :ninja:
    #3
  5. Reesy
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    Reesy Well-Known Member VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Ads, are you some sort of toilet attendant?
    Perhaps the delivery driver felt rushed because he could hear that you were just outside the door and wanted to get it over with as quick as possible, hence why his aim was affected. Also, why was the first thing you did to go in and investigate the toilet?! If you guessed he had a Barry White in their at least give it 5 mins, I know I wouldn't have been going in straight away. Alot of delivery lads look like they walk away from a big one and I for one don't want the stench of mulched up pasties, coffee and red bull wafting up the nostrils when it has only just splashed down.... :lmfao:
    And next time, just say No.

    EDIT: Did this small talk entail you asking him if he worked out/wanted to go to the gym with you sometime? :eyebrows:
    #4
  6. Reesy
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    Reesy Well-Known Member VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Beat me to it! Great minds and all that..
    #5
  7. Ads
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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    :laugh:

    Its not like I walked over to the door and stood there. The guys had left the TV in the hall and the other delivery guy just stood next to it while his mate used the toilet, so I just stood there with him and chatted to him.

    I admit, the second time it happened the only thing on my mind after they left was to get into that bathroom and get confirmation that he had actually taken a tom tit, because I couldn't believe that the same thing could happen again.


    I'm going to complain.
    #6
  8. Reesy
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    Reesy Well-Known Member VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Uh oh s**t's going down :lmfao:

    Just go in there and kick up a stink (badum tish.)
    #7
  9. hades-
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    hades- Yorkshire & Humber Rep. Regional Rep VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    bet they took pics and are up on a **** bored in the main depo
    #8
  10. damo.h
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    damo.h DVLA Say it's Black

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Ads got owned ;) you should seen this **** coming, this kinda **** has happened to you before!!!

    Ring em up and tell em you can't take anymore of this ****. ;)
    #9
  11. Ads
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  12. Reesy
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    Reesy Well-Known Member VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    You went in! had a good sniff, checked your pebble dashed toilet and then went off to anger a woman crossing the road.
    #11
  13. Ads
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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    I was waiting for that link. Took you 11 posts. You're slipping!
    #12
  14. damo.h
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    damo.h DVLA Say it's Black

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    £50 says she works for comet ;)
    #13
  15. Reesy
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    Reesy Well-Known Member VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    How else was I meant to link them? I had to build a story first, couldn't just go in with:
    'Delivery men take Reg Dwight's in your bog and you go round annoying women until they spit at you.' :lmfao:

    Surprised you didn't ask them to drop the deliverys 'around the back' :sex:
    #14
  16. jojo
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    jojo Looking for Boost! Staff Member Moderator

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    :Flush:
    #15
  17. Ads
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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    If she worked for Comet she would have sh*t in my face!


    THAT you linked the two, not HOW you linked them! :faint:


    :laugh:

    I think that costs extra.
    #16
  18. Reesy
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    Reesy Well-Known Member VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    What made you think that someone was going to link them?
    #17
  19. Ads
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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    People tend to make obvious jokes.

    I expected better from you.



    EDIT: Just noticed your edit in post #4.... which is another example of the above.

    I expected better from you.



    .
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2011
    #18
  20. hades-
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    hades- Yorkshire & Humber Rep. Regional Rep VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    .......
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2011
    #19
  21. Reesy
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    Reesy Well-Known Member VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    How does a geordie plumber check that his pipes are level?
    By eye, man.

    Nothing obvious about that, was there..

    In all seriousness, just tell that that if the s**t hits the fan, they must be doing a handstand.
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2011
    #20
  22. damo.h
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    damo.h DVLA Say it's Black

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Tbf I think he was bang on the money..... gaythree ;)
    #21
  23. Ads
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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Yeah you would.... Lamo :happy:
    #22
  24. ScottD3
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    ScottD3 I want your faulty electronics Supporter

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Its just Unbelievable that they would go All The Way In to your house to delivery your product but I think they secretly have a Hidden Agenda to leave you a little hot stuff as a parting gift and even have the cheek to miss the water and leave marks. I bet you dont Miss the water when you use other people's facilities even if its officially yours.

    At least you was able to watch them walking away so they don't leave you any more parting gifts.

    I hope the next time you order something from comet you don't get insomnia the 7 Days before.
    #23
  25. crazy88
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    crazy88 Loving the anonymity

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Best. Post. Ever. Haha
    #24
  26. StateOfPlay
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    StateOfPlay Well-Known Member

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    #25
  27. molly s3
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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    I laughed out loud at this!! Hilarious!
    Had never heard of a ****board either....the male species is a strange one....have been caught out by friends before saying 'oh i got this funny picture today, wanna see it? And to my absolute horror, there's Mr Hanky looking back at me!!! Mingers!!!

    I will be very wary about delivery men asking to use the loo in my house after reading this!!!
    #26
  28. Sandra
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    Sandra MODERATOR Staff Member Moderator

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Lol, your so right crazy.
    Ads you are such a funny guy, and these posts are just so priceless. I havent laughed so much in ages.
    #27
  29. Ads
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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    That might just be the most genius post I've ever read.

    But you either know far too much about Craig David, or put far too much effort into rearching his songs before writing it.

    Either way.... :applaus:


    :lmfao: Come to think of it I did have the urge for a massage after they left.

    This sort of sh*t just seems to follow me around!
    #28
  30. StateOfPlay
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    StateOfPlay Well-Known Member

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    Ads, you have reminded me of a time, I worked in North London, was eating fish and chips for lunch in the staff rest room, and a colleague walked in with a customer and said they guy just needed to use the loo, door of which is off the rest room.

    Anyway, 5 minutes later this customer comes back out, saying "I wouldn't go in there, I just made a right old mess," I was still eating my chips!
    #29
  31. ScottD3
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    ScottD3 I want your faulty electronics Supporter

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    I do own to many albums of his, this is true.
    #30
  32. Ads
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    Ads License to drive

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    [Dec 19, 2011]
    :puke:

    I just don't get some people. I hate the idea of anyone knowing that I've just taken a ****. When I go for my 10am daily drop off at work I listen at the cubicle door after I've finished and only walk out when I'm sure no one is outside. I just can't handle the thought of someone seeing my face and then going in there after and catching a whiff of my stink.

    But some sneaky people stand outside the cubicle waiting in silence though, and when I think its safe to come out and open the door they are there, waiting and looking. Once in the past, after a particularly stinky session, I just walked back into the cubicle and shut the door in the person's face.
    #31
  33. StateOfPlay
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    StateOfPlay Well-Known Member

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    [Dec 20, 2011]
    Ads, I am like you, I prefer privacy. I will wait until the others have gone before opening the cubicle door. Which is strange really, as I have no issue with standing in between others whilst having a piss. But a poo is private. Me, my magazine, and contemplation of life.

    Sometimes I will actually hold on until I get home.

    But what really annoys me is those who don't flush properly. If it is still floating, you need to flush it again!
    #32
  34. jb0o
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    jb0o North East Forum Moderator Regional Rep Site Sponsor VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 20, 2011]
    If its brown, flush it down.
    #33
  35. Lings
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    Lings Active Member

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  36. sportstractor
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    sportstractor Chugger

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    [Dec 20, 2011]
    Such a baby, everybody ****s and there's no need to get funny about it, although the second guy leaving skid marks was a bit nasty. maybe that's company policy if somebody returns an item, they have to leave skid marks on the customers loo for being such a PITA... Should have gone to currys.
    #35
  37. Reesy
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    Reesy Well-Known Member VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 20, 2011]
    If comet leave skidmarks, imagine what someone from 'Currys' would do...:Flush:
    #36
  38. jb0o
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    jb0o North East Forum Moderator Regional Rep Site Sponsor VCDS Map User

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    [Dec 20, 2011]
    LMFAO
    #37
  39. StateOfPlay
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    StateOfPlay Well-Known Member

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    [Dec 20, 2011]
    The ****ers at Curry's would take the ****ing loo
    #38
  40. Ads
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    Ads License to drive

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    [Dec 20, 2011]
    As we are talking sh*t, here's an oldie but a goodie....



    How to Poop at Work

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING
    When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY
    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE
    A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
    A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
    Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS
    A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR
    Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

    SHIRLEY TEMPLE
    A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON
    A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA-OMELET
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

    AUNT BETTY
    A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever... Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

    SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
    The King Poop: This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

    Bali Belly Poop: You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

    Cement Block: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

    Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop): Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

    The Bungee Poop: The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

    The Crippler: The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

    The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

    The Party Pooper: The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
    #39
  41. quattrojames
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    quattrojames Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    [Dec 20, 2011]
    This would only happen to you Ads.

    Either way, you do tell a good story :applaus:
    #40

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