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Chrismas Cracker Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by TIRO, Dec 22, 2004.

  1. TIRO
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    TIRO Member

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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    Some old some new!

    A guy goes into the doctor's.
    "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
    "How's that?"
    "Don't you start"
    __
    "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual."
    __
    Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
    "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," said Dolly
    "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
    __
    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
    The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
    __
    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
    "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
    "No, because he's bloody heavy."
    __
    A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling.
    He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to
    participate in our competition?"
    The guy asks "What's it all about?"
    The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat
    off Ê the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the
    whole pub a drink."
    The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate...the steaks are too high!"
    #1
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  3. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    I have just got wind of the following security alert.

    Over the festive period Police are warning all men who frequently visit clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

    Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
    A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
    After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

    At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship"

    In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

    Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered. and sex is offered by the predatory females.

    If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

    For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in The phone book.

    Remember, stay vigilant, stay safe and have a very merry Christmas...
    #2
  4. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    After great S3X she lay there stroking his manhood, he asked "do you want more S3X?"

    "No", she replied, "I'm just admiring your c0ck...... I really miss mine"
    #3
  5. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic s3x shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"

    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,
    replies: 'Yes we do have d1ldos. Actually we carry many models."

    The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
    tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

    The clerk responds, sniggering, "Yes we do".

    "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww tttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffvvcccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
    #4
  6. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    A BMW driver takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
    Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
    "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you.
    You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
    I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
    And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
    And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
    "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

    Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
    You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
    The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 36," she responded breathlessly.
    "No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-six years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
    #5
  7. dickys3
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    dickys3 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_roll.gif
    #6
  8. FactionOne
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    FactionOne Administrator Staff Member Administrator

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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_roll.gif/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif
    #7
  9. jojo
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    jojo S3 Drift King! Staff Member Moderator

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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    [ QUOTE ]
    HopA4TSport said:
    After great S3X she lay there stroking his manhood, he asked "do you want more S3X?"

    "No", she replied, "I'm just admiring your c0ck...... I really miss mine"

    [/ QUOTE ]

    NOOOOOO! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked2.gif ... /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif
    #8
  10. neiloneilo
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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_roll.gif
    #9
  11. chuffer
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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says her body hurts
    wherever she touches it.

    "That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me."

    She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
    pushes her knee and screams; then she pushes her ankle and screams.
    Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

    The doctor then asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

    "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

    "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
    #10
  12. hop2407
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    hop2407 Active Member

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    [Dec 22, 2004]
    Mint..... /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif
    #11

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