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Call centre funnies

audi5e Mar 2, 2006

  1. audi5e

    audi5e Member

    Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
    Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
    Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
    Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

    Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
    Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
    Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
    Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

    Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
    Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

    Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
    "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

    Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
    Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
    Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
    Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
    Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
    "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
    Customer: "OK".
    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
    Customer: "No".
    Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No".
    Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
    Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

    Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.
    If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

    Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
    Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
    Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    Operator: "Went away?"
    Caller: "They disappeared."
    Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
    Caller: "Nothing."
    Operator: "Nothing??"
    Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
    Caller: "How do I tell?"
    Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
    Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
    Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
    Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
    Caller: "What's a monitor?"
    Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
    Caller: "I don't know."
    Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
    Caller: "Yes, I think so."
    Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
    Caller: "Yes, it is."
    Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
    Caller: "No."
    Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    Caller: "Okay, here it is."
    Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    Caller: "I can't reach."
    Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
    Caller: "No."
    Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
    Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
    Operator: "Dark??"
    Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
    Caller: "I can't."
    Operator: "No? Why not??"
    Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
    Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
    Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
    Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
    Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
    Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
  2. hop2407

    hop2407 Active Member

    Old ones but good ones /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh_2.gif
  3. Beerzo

    Beerzo Masa'warty 3200... Talk To Me!

    This is a true story...

    When i work for IBM i worked in a call centre in Greenock.

    Every time you answer the phone you had the usual greeting to spew out. "IBM Global services such and such speaking how can i help"

    reply from female caller "I am Mrs .... i am phoning to find out the results of my smear test."

    I knidly informed her that this was IBM and that we dont deal with matters such as that. The phone went silent for a bit then she hung up.

    What a clown.

    Moral of the story listen to what the person says at the other end of the phone before speaking.
  4. beaker

    beaker Member

    Beerzo, I used to work in Greenock too. 4 years in the Greenock plant, Design Centre and then IGS Development.
  5. Khufu

    Khufu Well-Known Member

    I ended up stuck near Greenock when I got the wrong (LAST!) train home when I was young LOL.

    Dad used to work as a printer for The Lyon Group on sauchiehall Street in Glasgow many years ago. Without fail, every 1st of April - "Are you Lyon on Sauchiehall Street", "Yes", "Well you'd better get up, there's a no9 bus coming"

    Ah the Glasga patter /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
  6. Charlies604

    Charlies604 Member

    I work in an Outbound call centre for halifax, barclays etc and the responses we get from some people are amazing...

    The stuff people come out with is just amazing! They dont really pay much attention as its a sales call... but they make they're own lives sooo hard!

    Most ignore the first couple of lines/Minutes as Beerzo said...
    You get halfway thru a call and they say... whats this call about?

    One woman told me all about her F*$K buddy... i was like wo, dont need to no that!

    Nitemare... all of them!
  7. benk

    benk Member

    I like it when you get someone calling and they say
    "Hi, can I speak to Sarah please",
    and you just say "I'm afraid you'll have to ring HER number to do that".
  8. joost

    joost Active Member

    It's amazing what some people's names are when they come through.

    I've had, amongst others, (and I swear on my mother's life these are true) Sandy Kassell and Annette Curten but what made it worse was the last one called her daughter Lacey!! And then there was Mr Pigg, pronounced PIDGE apparently, yeah right, WHATEVER!
  9. Charlies604

    Charlies604 Member

    I had MR DE'ATH this week... was sooo tempted to ask for the Grim Reaper!

    Sum1's first name was Bigboy!

    MR B Gee goes down well as we sell insurance... In case of saturday night fever, in case of a tragedy etc..
  10. Beerzo

    Beerzo Masa'warty 3200... Talk To Me!

    Gotta love call centres its character building stuff.

    I used to love it when someone would come on for a rant shouting a swearing, but you just keep cool and it makes them even worse. Then they start making rediculous demands. (see below)

    I worked for a company Brands Electronics and this woman complained that we had not sent out her monitor. She went on and on then said that she wanted her monitor ther for 5pm. We based in the west of Scotland were to get a monitor to her south London before 5pm when it was alreay gone lunch time. She then went on to say i dont care i want it here it is my right, i dont care if you have to get a Helicopter to do it you will have a monitor here for 5pm.

    To which i replied, "No we wont, we have sent out your montior and it will be with you tomorrow morning. If you wish to check your terms and conditons this is well within the deadlines set out in it."

    She was not a happy bunny. But i done the old. " Is there anything else i can help you with?"
    She then hung up. Old cow.
  11. Beerzo

    Beerzo Masa'warty 3200... Talk To Me!

    talk of the devil....

    Just had a woman on the phone asking about her mortgage rates and payments after i said my shpeel" HP vector service desk......"

    She went on for 2 mins without drawing breath.

    What a trumpet
  12. joost

    joost Active Member

    If they come on ranting and swearing, I just stay quiet until they've finished.

    If they then start swearing at me, I tell them that if they continue, I will end they call. That usually shuts 'em up!

    You'd be amazed just how nasty some pensioners can be!!

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