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Best Short Joke Award

Discussion in 'Jokes, Games & Humour' started by jdp1962, Aug 21, 2006.

  1. Lowlife
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    Lowlife German Hardcore

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    [Jun 30, 2007]
    Whats the most dangerous animal in the ocean?


    Billy the squid.
    #81
  2. Onlyme
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    Onlyme Member

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    [Jun 30, 2007]
    How do I get a bigger signature, Im feeling left out
    #82
  3. Big_Al_A3
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    Big_Al_A3 1st Gear 1st Audi \o/

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    [Jun 30, 2007]
    What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

    A woman won't accept a 3.5" floppy
    #83
  4. vrbob
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    vrbob Thats no Moon, Thats a space station!

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    [Jun 30, 2007]
    How do you make a womans toes curl during sex??


    Leave her tights on.
    #84
  5. silver75
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    silver75 Big Ron

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    [Jul 2, 2007]
    Stevie Wonder was given a cheese-grater for his birthday....




    .....said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
    #85
  6. SonicDeathmonkey
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    SonicDeathmonkey Member

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    [Jul 8, 2007]
    What do women have in common with hurricanes?





    They are warm and wet when they come and when they leave, they take the house!
    #86
  7. Stringster
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    Stringster Missed gear

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    [Jul 8, 2007]
    I've got a sarcastic washing machine...


    ... keeps taking the piss out of my pants.
    #87
  8. silver75
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    silver75 Big Ron

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    [Jul 9, 2007]
    dont get it
    #88
  9. MikeS4
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    MikeS4 MikeS4

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    [Jul 12, 2007]
    What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?


    Well hung.
    #89
  10. SonicDeathmonkey
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    SonicDeathmonkey Member

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    [Jul 12, 2007]
    One cow asks another "hey mate, what do you think of this mad cow disease?"

    his buddy replies "it does not bother me, i am a squirrel!"
    #90
  11. baynesey
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    baynesey well you better unsell them, sharpish!

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    [Jul 13, 2007]
    fish swims into a wall .... DAM!
    #91
  12. neil20vt
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    neil20vt Member

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    [Jul 13, 2007]
    Two parrots sat on a perch,one says to the other,can you smell fish !!
    #92
  13. silver75
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    silver75 Big Ron

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    [Jul 13, 2007]
    :confused:

    How does a blind bungee jumper know they are near the ground?

    They’ve both got skid marks on their helmets.
    #93
  14. baynesey
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    baynesey well you better unsell them, sharpish!

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    [Jul 13, 2007]
    what's got two legs and bleeds ..

    half a dog
    #94
  15. Hairy Ballbag
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    Hairy Ballbag Member

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    [Jul 15, 2007]
    Blind bungee jumper?

    SHould that not be...

    How does a blind sky diver know when to pull his chute?
    The lead goes slack...
    #95
  16. Hairy Ballbag
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    Hairy Ballbag Member

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    [Jul 15, 2007]
    Did you hear about the other suspect car Police found outside Liverpool Airport?

    It had tax, insurance and the wheels were on it.
    #96
  17. Hairy Ballbag
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    Hairy Ballbag Member

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    [Jul 15, 2007]
    Did you hear the name of the Glasgow Airport would-be-bomber?

    Singe me-jeep
    #97
  18. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    [Jul 16, 2007]
    lol.
    #98
  19. Caesium
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    Caesium My BM is fixed! VCDS Map User

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    [Jul 16, 2007]

    eh??
    #99
  20. smee
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    smee Member

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    [Jul 16, 2007]
    Why did the Lobster blush?

    Because the sea weed
  21. silver75
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    silver75 Big Ron

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    [Jul 16, 2007]
    :rolleyes:

    A Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot go into a pub and each orders a pint.

    "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
  22. Just Plain Old
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    Just Plain Old Active Member

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    [Jul 16, 2007]
    THat made me laugh........ (edited to add, I mean the John Lennon one.)
    Here's another Tommy Cooper one,

    Two kids caught by the Police eating fireworks and drinking battery acid,,,, they charged one and let the other off!
  23. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    [Jul 17, 2007]
    Class.
  24. bravepilot
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    bravepilot Member

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    [Jul 17, 2007]
    Tommy Cooper is a legend!:applaus:
  25. Shades
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    Shades Member

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    [Jul 30, 2007]
    I know its not exactly that short but...

    Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
    Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
    people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

    "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
    disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
    five persons."

    "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
    You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

    The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
    want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

    "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
  26. mac1403
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    mac1403 Member

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    [Aug 5, 2007]
    2 nuns riding bikes down a cobbled street.....one says to the other....u ever come this way before.
  27. mac1403
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    mac1403 Member

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    [Aug 5, 2007]
    A man walks up to the door of his local nightclub with just his underpants on. The bouncer shakes his head and tells him its fancy dress only, to which he replies I am in fancy dress.....I'm a premature ejaculation....I just come in me pants.
  28. mac1403
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    mac1403 Member

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    [Aug 5, 2007]
    I hear they had problems at Bob marleys funeral...the lid of his coffin kept jammin!
  29. smee
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    smee Member

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    [Aug 6, 2007]
    What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?


    Nothing, it just gave a little wine
  30. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    [Oct 9, 2007]
    Very funny.
  31. audi80sport
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    audi80sport is it home time yet?

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    [Oct 11, 2007]
    How did captain hook die?





    he had a w@nk with the wrong hand! he he he
  32. TDI-line
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    TDI-line Uber Post Whore

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    [Oct 11, 2007]
    Sick, but funny.
  33. audi80sport
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    audi80sport is it home time yet?

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    [Oct 17, 2007]
    thats one of the jokes on the jim davidson you tube link i put up watch them you will piss yourself lol
  34. Felon
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    Felon Slightly odd.

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    [Oct 31, 2007]
    Who painted with a brown finger?

    Picasso.
  35. Audi-Max
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    Audi-Max Member

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    [Nov 17, 2007]
    What did Hannibal Lecter do after dumping his girlfreind?


    Wiped his arse!
  36. funkidiva
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    funkidiva big up and respect to all mankind, one love

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    [Nov 19, 2007]
    agreed!:whistle2: any more 'funnies' anyone
  37. funkidiva
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    funkidiva big up and respect to all mankind, one love

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    [Nov 19, 2007]


    An Oirish Story.

    An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

    [​IMG]

    "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot".

    So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

    "Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

    [​IMG]

    Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

    "This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

    "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

    The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
    And another and another, etc.....

    Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

    "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
    How moch was in dare den?"

    The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

    "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

    (







    I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
  38. funkidiva
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    funkidiva big up and respect to all mankind, one love

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  39. funkidiva
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    funkidiva big up and respect to all mankind, one love

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  40. Felon
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    Felon Slightly odd.

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    [Nov 21, 2007]
    sorry - that was terrible....!!!!

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