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Aussie Housewife

Discussion in 'Jokes, Games & Humour' started by Peloton, Nov 12, 2006.

  1. Peloton
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    Peloton Member

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    [Nov 12, 2006]
    Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
    She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in."Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
    "S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up."You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate) to help."
    They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."
    "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
    "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples. "Play with her nipples?"
    Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
    "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive!"
    #1
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  3. gjcknocker
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    [Nov 12, 2006]
    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
    >
    > That won him
    the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
    >
    > He went home
    and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
    >
    > She said, "Aye,
    did ye now. And what was your toast?"
    >
    > John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
    life, sitting in church beside me wife."
    >
    > "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"
    Mary said.
    >
    > The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
    buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
    >
    > She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
    You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
    #2
  4. gjcknocker
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    [Nov 12, 2006]
    Bob's Story...
    >
    > It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
    > becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
    > when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
    > Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
    > woman.
    >
    > My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
    > wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became
    > necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time
    > job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
    > Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
    > her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she
    > gets home from work.
    >
    > Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
    > rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
    > her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
    > dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
    > club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked
    > grub when I hit that door.
    >
    > She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
    > not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
    > dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
    > each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
    > appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
    > before she goes to bed.
    >
    > Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
    > say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
    > during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse,
    > so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
    > over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I
    > also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
    > hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
    > my strong points.
    >
    > When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
    > She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the
    > yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
    > herself
    > a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
    > while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
    > make
    > one for me too.
    >
    > I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.
    > I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
    > will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
    > better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
    > guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of
    > your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing
    > it was well worthwhile.
    >
    >
    > After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
    >
    > Signed,
    >
    > Bob
    >
    > EDITOR'S NOTE: Sadly, Bob died suddenly last month. The police report
    > says
    > that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver
    > II golf club rammed where the sun don't shine , with only 2 inches of
    > grip showing.
    > His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the
    > all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he
    > accidentally sat on it.
    #3
  5. gjcknocker
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    [Nov 12, 2006]
    Subject: paternity


    When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is find out
    who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following
    are
    all genuine replies that women have written on Child Support Agency forms
    in the section for listing the father's details. Or putting it another
    way..... Who's the Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be
    sure
    to check out Number 10.......... It takes the prize and Number 3 is runner
    up.

    1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered
    by
    Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I
    believe that he was conceived on the same night.



    2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
    sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
    with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

    3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
    conceived
    at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
    that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
    do
    manage to track
    down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

    4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
    that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
    you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
    replaced.

    5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a
    letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and
    that he is Christ, raised
    again.

    6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
    so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
    the
    economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country...
    Please advise.

    7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can
    you
    ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at
    the same time....well I don't have a clue.

    8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World;
    maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

    9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
    sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If
    I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
    146
    Miller Drive, mine
    might have remained unfertilized.

    10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
    when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
    #4

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