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.....and some more

PAULF Jan 28, 2013

  1. PAULF

    PAULF Active Member VCDS Map User

    Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
    One evening, a few months after the honeymoon, he was in the garage carefully loading some rifle ammo for an upcoming deer hunt.

    His wife stood there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally spoke.
    "Honey, I've been thinking: now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, flying and fishing.
    Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane."

    Tim stopped the loading process. He got a very cross look on his face. His jaw tightened visibly. Dead silence descended upon the garage.

    She asked, squirming a bit, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    Tim breathed in, and then breathed out.
    "For a minute there, sweetheart, you sounded like my ex-wife.”

    "Ex wife!" She stepped back, eyes wide with surprise. "I didn't know you were married before!"

    ”I wasn't."
  2. PAULF

    PAULF Active Member VCDS Map User

    Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham/Luton/Leeds/Bradford/Halifax/Manchester .......... anywhere

    The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

    "Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."

    "Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."

    "Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."

    "Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."

    "Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."

    "Ali Son al Len” Silence in the classroom.

    "Ali Son al Len" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

    She repeated, "Is this the name of any child here?"

    A girl arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's
    pronounced Alison Allen.
    Artimus likes this.
  3. PAULF

    PAULF Active Member VCDS Map User

    Two aircraft engineers were walking across the airfield when one said, ”Where did you get such a great bike?”
    The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
    The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
    Artimus likes this.
  4. PAULF

    PAULF Active Member VCDS Map User

    A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
    A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
    He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

    The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

    This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

    A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
    "Um, I think you'll find it's pronounced 'quiche'."
  5. PAULF

    PAULF Active Member VCDS Map User

    CORNISH Three kick rule

    An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but
    it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
    tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a
    duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer Mike replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
    over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and,
    if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
    disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three
    Kick Rule'."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

    The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go
    first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
    and forth until someone gives up."

    The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
    could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
    attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
    into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
    mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
    end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly
    managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he
    said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
    Artimus likes this.
  6. VWAddict

    VWAddict Member VCDS Map User

    When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”

    In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

    That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

    John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

    Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

    John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

    A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?

    John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”

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