AIRLINE LOGS Some extracts from actual maintenance logs recorded by pilots with the responses of the ground maintenance engineers to the complaint. Who said that engineers lack a sense of humour? Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. Engineer: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. E: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. E: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellors lack normal seepage. P: Something loose in cockpit. E: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windscreen. E: Live bugs on order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 fpm descent. E: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. E: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. E: DME volume set to more believable level. P: IFF inoperative. E: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. E: Suspect youre right. P: Number 3 engine missing. E: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. E: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. E: Reprogrammed target radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. E: Cat installed.