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A mate sent me this I thought it was quite funny

Discussion in 'A4/S4 forum(B5 Chassis)' started by audiv6quattro, Jan 4, 2012.

  1. audiv6quattro
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    audiv6quattro Member

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    [Jan 4, 2012]
    After trying for a while to post this I finally managed to do it through the iPad, it's a bit long but I'm sure it will make you laugh just as much as it did me.I hope it's ok to post it here tried posting it on general chat section but won't show any writing, or from what I can see anyway.


    ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    sparked my interest.
    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with
    no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
    time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
    pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the
    same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
    between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
    that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
    that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
    that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
    target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But if
    I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
    a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
    Reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
    directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a
    one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
    loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make
    your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
    longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
    5" long, less than 3/4 of an inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy,
    bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
    Possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
    to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid, 'reasoning that a one
    second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
    I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
    and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked
    me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over
    and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
    the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
    nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
    tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
    to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
    attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
    living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst
    when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it
    is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
    floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A
    minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
    the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or
    so from where it originally sat. My triceps, right thigh and
    both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
    up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
    over the drooling.

    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know
    for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
    above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a
    significant reward for their safe return!

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the
    gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
    Sent from my iPad
    #1
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  3. jay1601
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    jay1601 Well-Known Member

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    [Jan 4, 2012]
    that did make me laugh reading that
    #2
  4. audiv6quattro
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    audiv6quattro Member

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    [Jan 4, 2012]
    Glad it made you laugh mate, was a bit worried I had a bad sense of humour when I showed it to my misses. Must be a man thing
    #3
  5. Bradderz_1988
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    Bradderz_1988 Dont replace it, Upgrade it !!

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    [Jan 4, 2012]
    Pmsl that's quality I'm in stitches !!
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