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a Joke or two

Discussion in 'Jokes, Games & Humour' started by simon-s3, Apr 18, 2008.

  1. simon-s3
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    simon-s3 Member

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    [Apr 18, 2008]
    PRICELESS WORDS
    A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
    He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
    is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
    He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
    pressed. He looks around the room and sees that
    it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
    He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
    "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
    Love You!"
    Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and
    sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
    His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
    His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
    Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye
    when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks,
    "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
    breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
    I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
    His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
    and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off,
    you said,
    "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
    Moral
    Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
    Broken crockery - $ 800.00
    Breakfast - $ 10.00
    Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "
    There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy


    A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
    FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
    "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
    IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

    HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
    "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "POWERGEN" WRITTEN ON MY
    FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
    "FINE!"

    THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
    "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT"

    TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
    "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "FRIDGIDAIRE"
    WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
    "FINE!" SHE SAYS

    "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
    TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK"
    "I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
    WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "TAYLOR WOODROW"
    WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"

    SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................
    HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
    TO GO HOME
    AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
    AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
    AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
    HONEY, HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

    SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
    HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED
    WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

    HE SAID,
    "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
    SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE "MR KIPLING" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"


    THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING
    NAKED IN A SAUNA.
    SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED
    HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
    THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
    'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE
    SKIN OF MY ARM.

    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
    LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED SHE E EXPLAINED,
    'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

    THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE
    DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE
    STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

    SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER
    REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROW S AND STARED AT
    HER.
    THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID
    .. ......WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
    #1
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