When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one f**king punch. My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me. My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big f**king red mark on her forehead First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has. I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over. Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."