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Thread: Affairs

  1. #1
    voorhees's Avatar

    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Leafy Warwickshire


    The 1st Affair

    A married man was having an affair
    with his secretary.

    One day they went to her place
    and made love all afternoon.

    Exhausted, they fell asleep
    and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed
    and told his lover to take his shoes
    outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

    He put on his shoes and drove home.

    'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

    'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

    'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
    We had sex all afternoon.'

    She looked down at his shoes and said:

    'You lying *******!
    You've been playing golf!'

    The 2nd Affair

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
    but always talked about having a son.

    They decided to try one last time
    for the son they always wanted.

    The wife got pregnant
    and delivered a healthy baby boy.

    The joyful father rushed to the nursery
    to see his new son.

    He was horrified at the ugliest child
    he had ever seen.

    He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
    be the father of this baby.
    Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
    Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
    'No, not this time!'

    The 3rd Affair

    A mortician was working late one night.

    He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
    about to be cremated,
    and made a startling discovery.
    Schwartz had the largest private part
    he had ever seen!

    'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
    commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
    with such an impressive private part.
    It must be saved for posterity.'

    So, he removed it,
    stuffed it into his briefcase,
    and took it home.

    'I have something to show
    you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
    opening his briefcase.

    'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
    'Schwartz is dead!'

    The 4th Affair

    A woman was in bed with her lover
    when she heard her husband
    opening the front door.

    'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

    She rubbed baby oil all over him,
    then dusted him with talcum powder.

    'Don't move until I tell you,'
    she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

    'What's this?' the husband inquired
    as he entered the room.

    'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
    'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
    so I got one for us, too.'

    No more was said,
    not even when they went to bed.

    Around 2 AM the husband got up,
    went to the kitchen and returned
    with a sandwich and a beer.

    'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
    I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
    and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

    The 5th Affair

    A man walked into a cafe,
    went to the bar and ordered a beer.

    'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

    'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

    He glanced at the menu and asked:
    'How much for a nice juicy steak
    and a bottle of wine?'

    'A nickel,' the barman replied.

    'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
    'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

    The bartender replied:
    'Upstairs, with my wife.'

    The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
    with your wife?'

    The bartender replied:
    'The same thing I'm doing
    to his business down here.'

    The 6th & Best Affair

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

    He looked up and said weakly:
    'I have something I must confess.'

    'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

    'No,' he insisted,
    'I want to die in peace.
    I slept with your sister, your best friend,
    her best friend, and your mother!'

    'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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  3. #2
    Caesium's Avatar
    My BM is fixed!

    Join Date
    May 2004
    excellent work

    The problem with common sense, is that its not that common.

    See my images @

    Own a dreaded BMW? http://www.bmw-sport.net

  4. #3
    jojo's Avatar
    S3 Drift King!

    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Solihull, Midlands
    Haha, that warmed me up a little.

    99' Audi S3(APY) - Brilliant Black Click>>>Going Sideways vid!
    You've got to have a laugh! For Sale:LCR Brakes - £400

  5. #4
    crazy88's Avatar
    Loving the anonymity

    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    West Yorkshire
    haha, brilliant...all of them!



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