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  1. #1
    phil76's Avatar
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    A few from a works e-mail

    When I got
    divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one f**king punch.

    My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

    My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big f**king red mark on her forehead

    First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

    I was at a cash machine
    when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

    Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."



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  3. #2
    BigRD's Avatar
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    "It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself"

  4. #3
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    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
    He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."


    I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.

    Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
    Such a pity it was a puppy.


    I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
    I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it f******g start?"


    Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

    He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

    Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

    Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

    He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

    The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

    Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

    'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

    'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

    'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

    He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

    Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his sheep
    have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'

    Paddy says 'What's his name?'

    Mick replies 'Miles from London!'






  5. #4
    quattrojames's Avatar
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    Ingolstance Read about my A6 HERE.

  6. #5
    2nd Gear

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    'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

  7. #6
    Caesium's Avatar
    My BM is fixed!

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    I didn't know my sheep had mobiles, classic
    Chris

    The problem with common sense, is that its not that common.

    See my images @
    http://www.christianfrench.co.uk

    Own a dreaded BMW? http://www.bmw-sport.net

  8. #7
    Ash187's Avatar
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    Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


    LOVE IT
    A3 Sportback 2.0TDI
    Dark Headlining, Bose, Alcantara Leather, Interior Lights Pack

    MODS:
    S3 facelift,
    RS3 Grill, 19" RS6, TTRS FBMFSW, A5 S-Line Heated Seats, Bi-Xenons, Auto Lights & Wipers, Eibach Sportlines, Auto Folding & Dimming Dumbo Mirrors, S3 brakes, US Centre Console, Cruise, Pioneer HU, Reverse Camera, OEM Parking Sensors, LED Tail Lights, S3 Pedals, Tints, Carbon Trims.

  9. #8
    NHN
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    lmao, made my early day start with a smile

    OEM RETROFITS - CRUISE CONTROL - SAT NAV - BLUETOOTH - AMI - HEADLIGHT SYSTEMS

    PARKING SYSTEMS - DIAGNOSTICS - FAULT FINDING - BODYWORK - PAINTWORK

  10. #9
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    all put a smile on my face this morning, but especially this one....

    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
    He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."



    totally my level.....

 

 

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