smitch
Registered User
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2006
- Messages
- 1,588
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 36
But these are quality!!!!
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
-----------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
-----------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
---------------------------------------------
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
---------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and
says:
Pint for me, and one for the road
------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."
-----------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
-----------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
-----------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream for that."
-----------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
-----------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
-----------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-----------------------------------------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
-----------------------------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this ******** before
----------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
--------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
-----------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "no, the steaks are too high."
-----------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
strong currant.
-----------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
-----------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
-----------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.
------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
--------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
-----------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
-----------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
---------------------------------------------
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
---------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and
says:
Pint for me, and one for the road
------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."
-----------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
-----------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
-----------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream for that."
-----------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
-----------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
-----------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-----------------------------------------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
-----------------------------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this ******** before
----------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
--------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
-----------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "no, the steaks are too high."
-----------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
strong currant.
-----------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
-----------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
-----------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.
------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
--------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself
..LOL
