I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
One of my favourite games is Blind Man's Buff.
It's when you find a blind man and you polish him.
Do you ever get that feeling when you're halfway through eating a horse when you think:
"I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."
So I said to my mate "I don't know whether to give my dog a bone or a tin of dog food."
He said "What's the dog's name?"
I said "Nick Nack Paddy Whack."
So I went to this hotel and the receptionist asked, "Do you have a reservation?? I said, "Yes, I'm worried about the price."
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I met this rabbit today and he said, "Are you looking at me?" It was Rabbit de Niro.
He was male rabbit, and he said, "I'm not going any further." I said, "So the buck stops here?"
He chopped off one of his feet, I said to him "That's lucky."
People who threaten you and demand your money...You have to hand it to them.
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
Then I took her for a candle lit dinner, and everything was undercooked.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I left home and my mum said "Don't forget to write"
I said "Come on mum, it's one of the basic skills!!!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.
When I was young I told my dad I wanted to be comedian. He told me to go and practise in the bath.
He gave the same advice to my brother. Unfortunately he wanted to be an electrician.
So this bloke said to me "Do you agree with arranged marriages?" I said "Yes I do. I went to a marriage once that hadn't been arranged and it was chaos"
I was in the cinema watching a very sad film and this bloke behind me started wailing.
Then I got hit in the back of the head with a harpoon.
I went into the butcher shop and the butcher said "I bet you can't reach those pieces of meat that are hanging from the ceiling"
I said "I won't bet you, the steaks are too high"
I went to the doctor. He said "You've got hypochondria"
I said "Not that as well?"
My dad has his kidney hanging from his elbow, his liver is attached to his right knee, and his spleen sits on his head.
Still, his hearts in the right place.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"
If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my c*ck in your ass.
I see the price of hearing aids is going up.
Deaf people all over the country are shouting "How much?"
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
I met this bloke and he was chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one."
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny - you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
Then I got home and there was this burglar, and he was ironing my shirts. So I hit him. Well you've got to strike while the iron is hot.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly once but I'm no Dean Martin".
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can`t find her cigarette.
Why dont blind men skydive?
Because it scares the **** out of the dog
How to blind skydivers know when to open their parachute?
The lead goes slack.
What do you call a rampant gay dinosaur?