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Thread: Trafalgar 2006

  1. #1
    gjcknocker's Avatar
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    Trafalgar 2006

    > Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    >
    > Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
    >
    > Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
    > What's the meaning of this?"
    >
    > Hardy: "Sorry, sir?"
    >
    > Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his
    > duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
    > persuasion or disability'. What gobbledygook is this?"
    >
    > Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
    > opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
    > 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
    >
    > Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    >
    > Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
    > working environments."
    >
    > Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
    > main brace to steel the men before battle."
    >
    > Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
    > Government's policy on binge drinking."
    >
    > Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
    > ...full speed ahead."
    >
    > Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in
    > this stretch of water."
    >
    > Nelson: "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle
    > in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the
    > crow's nest, please."
    >
    > Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
    >
    > Nelson: "What?"
    >
    > Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
    > harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.
    > They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
    > erected."
    >
    > Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
    >
    > Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,
    > Admiral."
    >
    > Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
    >
    > Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
    > barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
    >
    > Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
    > refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank
    > of admiral by playing the disability card."
    >
    > Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented
    > in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
    >
    > Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    >
    > Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
    > let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
    > anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
    >
    > Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
    > the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
    >
    > Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
    >
    > Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
    >
    > Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
    > charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
    > legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
    >
    > Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    >
    > Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
    >
    > Nelson: "We're not?"
    >
    > Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
    > partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
    > even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
    > compensation."
    >
    > Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    >
    > Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
    > saying that, sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
    >
    > Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of
    > your King."
    >
    > Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
    > multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It
    > could save your life."
    >
    > Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to
    > rum, s*domy and the lash?"
    >
    > Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
    > on corporal punishment."
    >
    > Nelson: "What about s*domy?"
    >
    > Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
    >
    > Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

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