gjcknocker
Registered User
> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>
> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
> What's the meaning of this?"
>
> Hardy: "Sorry, sir?"
>
> Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his
> duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
> persuasion or disability'. What gobbledygook is this?"
>
> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
> opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
> 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
>
> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
>
> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
> working environments."
>
> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
> main brace to steel the men before battle."
>
> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
> Government's policy on binge drinking."
>
> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
> ...full speed ahead."
>
> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in
> this stretch of water."
>
> Nelson: "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle
> in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the
> crow's nest, please."
>
> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>
> Nelson: "What?"
>
> Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
> harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.
> They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
> erected."
>
> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,
> Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
>
> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
> barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
>
> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
> refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank
> of admiral by playing the disability card."
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented
> in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>
> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
>
> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
> let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
> anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>
> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
> the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
>
> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
>
> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
> charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
> legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>
> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>
> Nelson: "We're not?"
>
> Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
> partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
> even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
> compensation."
>
> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
>
> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
> saying that, sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
>
> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of
> your King."
>
> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
> multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It
> could save your life."
>
> Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to
> rum, s*domy and the lash?"
>
> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
> on corporal punishment."
>
> Nelson: "What about s*domy?"
>
> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
>
> Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
>
> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
> What's the meaning of this?"
>
> Hardy: "Sorry, sir?"
>
> Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his
> duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
> persuasion or disability'. What gobbledygook is this?"
>
> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
> opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
> 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
>
> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
>
> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
> working environments."
>
> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
> main brace to steel the men before battle."
>
> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
> Government's policy on binge drinking."
>
> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
> ...full speed ahead."
>
> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in
> this stretch of water."
>
> Nelson: "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle
> in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the
> crow's nest, please."
>
> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
>
> Nelson: "What?"
>
> Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
> harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.
> They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
> erected."
>
> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
>
> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,
> Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
>
> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
> barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
>
> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
> refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank
> of admiral by playing the disability card."
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented
> in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>
> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
>
> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
> let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
> anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>
> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
> the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
>
> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
>
> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
>
> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
> charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
> legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>
> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
>
> Nelson: "We're not?"
>
> Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
> partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
> even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
> compensation."
>
> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
>
> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
> saying that, sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
>
> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of
> your King."
>
> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
> multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It
> could save your life."
>
> Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to
> rum, s*domy and the lash?"
>
> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
> on corporal punishment."
>
> Nelson: "What about s*domy?"
>
> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
>
> Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
