gjcknocker
Registered User
> Subject: Quantas
>
>
> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
> school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in
> our jobs.
>
> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
> "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
> The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
> then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
> said
> that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
> complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the
> solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>
> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
> an accident.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produce! s a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>
> And the best one for last..................
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
> Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.
>
>
> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
> school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in
> our jobs.
>
> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
> "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
> The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
> then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
> said
> that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
> complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the
> solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>
> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
> an accident.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produce! s a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>
> And the best one for last..................
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
> Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.
