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  1. #1
    silver75's Avatar
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    Red face Office pooing issues

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking dump at work.

    CROP DUSTINGWhen farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left yourpants.

    FLY BYThe act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in andcheck for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEEA fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAKWhen forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred

    COURTESY FLUSHThe act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hitsthe water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up thebathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after youhave just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERA colleague who poos at work and is damn proudof it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroomwith a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around theoffice for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N) A group of co-workers who bandtogether to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group
    can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENSA seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where youcan least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the oppositesex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering thebathroom.

    TURD BURGLARSomeone who does not realize that you are in the stall andtries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking andvulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If thisoccurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGHA phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroomthat you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
    alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
    with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglarsthat you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
    is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooer can poo in peace.

    WATERMELONA poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashesin the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
    Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    Hope this helps

    Last edited by silver75; 20th October 2006 at 14:28.

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  3. #2
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    I just about peed my self reading that....

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    My Eyes are watering with mirth!

    My favourite is the CAMO-COUGH, so true!

    Although the WATERMELON is usually followed by a NEPTUNES-KISS, this is the splash back of water that hits the ring as your depth charge submerges....

  7. #6
    silver75's Avatar
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    Neptune kiss.... Good to see you making up your own

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    LOL...very cool
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  9. #8
    silver75's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by silver75

    CROP DUSTINGWhen farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left yourpants.


    ...Ive been knocking a fair few of these out today, running out of places to hide now

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  10. #9
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    Hilarious! Unfortunately there's no such thing as a SAFE HAVEN in my office!

  11. #10
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    when i got to the turd burglar part I could barely see for the tears streaming down my face. Classic!
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  12. #11
    silver75's Avatar
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    New in for Monday...



    THE GREASY SLIDER When going for a poo you notice the state of the toilet seat. To avoid sitting on it you decide to take the "HOVERING/SQUAT" position. This of course means your aim goes askew and instead of it going straight into the bowl it sticks to sides leaving an unsightly streak.

    ps can this be made a sticky?

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  13. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by silver75
    New in for Monday...



    THE GREASY SLIDER When going for a poo you notice the state of the toilet seat. To avoid sitting on it you decide to take the "HOVERING/SQUAT" position. This of course means your aim goes askew and instead of it going straight into the bowl it sticks to sides leaving an unsightly streak.

    ps can this be made a sticky?
    Is that meant to be ironic?

  14. #13
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    Sorry to re-awken this post but I just had to add one of my favourite ways of getting a private poo in any situation.
    Be it at work, colleges, in an airport , shopping centre, restraunt (Basically Anywhere!!)

    THE CHRISTY BROWN! This is my own invention and is tried and tested.
    Be on the look out for disabled toilets, when you see one sneak in and hey presto! your own personal toilet (sometimes has armrests!) with all mod cons although you may have to bend over quite a bit to wash your hands and use the dryer. But hey Its seldom used and is normaly in pristine clean condition because not many people use them all day.

    So thats THE CHRISTY BROWN my dirty little secret is now out.
    I only ever got caught once and it was a pregnant lady who spotted me coming out. She gave me a dirty look but I know it was only because she thought she was the only one who knew the secret LMAO.

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  15. #14
    Peloton's Avatar
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    The Christy Brown is one I've used although it is embarressing when you exit to find said needy wheelchair driver waiting on a go. There was a pub that used to be in Ayr (Suburbia if anyone knows of it) & the toilet was an eternity of a walk but up in the bar there was a disabled **** nest. We used to sit near it, especially for the christy brown & it was funny watching other people look around before they went in to see if anyone's spotted them. Needless to say, we'd all be laughing right at them for added embarressment!
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  16. #15
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    Has anyone ever noticed the toilet in a Christy Brown is higher than a normal one? I've used one before where my feet literally didn't touch the floor!

 

 

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