Todays joke

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ‘I need to get up and get a Coke.’
’Don’t get up,’ said the Marine ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up one of the Marine’s shoes and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good. I’d really like one too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ’How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*ssing in Cokes?

An Irishman & an Audi


On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Audi into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"?
inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jaysus", says the Irishman,
"Audi thinks of everything!".

THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in an Audi than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a**-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!

IRISH TRADITION


Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub
on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick,
took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just
barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused,Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk
'cross
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather
were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were
born in August, ya f**kin eejit"