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Thread: Women!

  1. #1
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    Women!

    I arrived home from work and my girlfriend started punching and kicking me.

    "How could you?!" she screamed. "How fcuking could you?! You've fcuked my sister you *******!"

    "I'm sorry," I confessed. "I got to work and she was lying there...naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?"

    "The fcuking autopsy," she cried.
    AudiNutta likes this.
    1999 A4 B5 1.9 TDi FWD Saloon, Green SOLD
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Avant, Maroon, 'Panzer' Plated (currently sporting wrecked engine - and gearbox )
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Saloon, Blue, 'Panzer' Plated, Cruise Control retrofitted, OEM 6 Disc Changer retrofitted
    2006 A6 Allroad 3.0 TDi Blue, awaiting stuff to be done!

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  3. #2
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    Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing.


    My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


    Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


    After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.


    A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part.”





    AudiNutta and Artimus like this.
    1999 A4 B5 1.9 TDi FWD Saloon, Green SOLD
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Avant, Maroon, 'Panzer' Plated (currently sporting wrecked engine - and gearbox )
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Saloon, Blue, 'Panzer' Plated, Cruise Control retrofitted, OEM 6 Disc Changer retrofitted
    2006 A6 Allroad 3.0 TDi Blue, awaiting stuff to be done!

  4. #3
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    She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


    I was disappointed when I found out 'Clean and Jerk' was a power lifting discipline and not female multi-tasking.

    Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
    At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him

    To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs



    Artimus likes this.
    1999 A4 B5 1.9 TDi FWD Saloon, Green SOLD
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Avant, Maroon, 'Panzer' Plated (currently sporting wrecked engine - and gearbox )
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Saloon, Blue, 'Panzer' Plated, Cruise Control retrofitted, OEM 6 Disc Changer retrofitted
    2006 A6 Allroad 3.0 TDi Blue, awaiting stuff to be done!

  5. #4
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    I went to see the Red Arrows today.
    There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
    It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.

    A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?
    The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
    Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!

    A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend when she piped up and said
    "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales"
    "Why do you think that?" he said.
    "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says"
    'stit ruoy su wohs'
    AudiNutta and Artimus like this.
    1999 A4 B5 1.9 TDi FWD Saloon, Green SOLD
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Avant, Maroon, 'Panzer' Plated (currently sporting wrecked engine - and gearbox )
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Saloon, Blue, 'Panzer' Plated, Cruise Control retrofitted, OEM 6 Disc Changer retrofitted
    2006 A6 Allroad 3.0 TDi Blue, awaiting stuff to be done!

  6. #5
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    Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
    I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

    Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife.
    Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

    Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
    When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
    AudiNutta and Artimus like this.
    1999 A4 B5 1.9 TDi FWD Saloon, Green SOLD
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Avant, Maroon, 'Panzer' Plated (currently sporting wrecked engine - and gearbox )
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Saloon, Blue, 'Panzer' Plated, Cruise Control retrofitted, OEM 6 Disc Changer retrofitted
    2006 A6 Allroad 3.0 TDi Blue, awaiting stuff to be done!

  7. #6
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    And finally, one for the ladies..


    They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
    Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
    1999 A4 B5 1.9 TDi FWD Saloon, Green SOLD
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Avant, Maroon, 'Panzer' Plated (currently sporting wrecked engine - and gearbox )
    2000 A4 B5 2.5 TDi Quattro Saloon, Blue, 'Panzer' Plated, Cruise Control retrofitted, OEM 6 Disc Changer retrofitted
    2006 A6 Allroad 3.0 TDi Blue, awaiting stuff to be done!

  8. #7
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    haha top class some of them lad haha

  9. #8
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    Class in a glass.

 

 

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