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Thread: Manisms

  1. #1
    necroeire's Avatar
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    Manisms

    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
    (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
    (e) When she is using her teeth.
    3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
    and eaten by his buddies.
    4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
    of jail within 12 hours.
    5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
    forever unless you actually marry her.
    6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
    However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
    7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
    man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
    At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
    choice.
    8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
    weakest.
    9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
    the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
    10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
    to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
    flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
    11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
    sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and
    only when it's free.
    12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
    kick another guy in the nuts.
    13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
    14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
    15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
    16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
    much as the other sports watchers.
    17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
    sober enough to fight.
    18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
    but not both, that's just greedy.
    19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
    his choice of beer.
    20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
    except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
    21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
    22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
    i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
    an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
    23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
    you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
    if necessary.
    24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
    carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
    is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
    occurs about what a big mistake it was.
    25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
    her to drive yours.
    26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
    orange or sky blue.
    27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
    with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
    story.
    28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
    Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
    know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
    definition of each is listed below:
    "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
    assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you
    still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
    "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
    perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
    and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
    We hope this clears up any confusion,
    The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

    B6 A4 1.9TDi 130Bhp, 18" RS6 Reps, iPod ICELink, S4 Grill, S4 Door Flares

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  3. #2
    delsol's Avatar
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    pure class!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. #3
    hop2407's Avatar
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    Too True.... Excellent
    Hop
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    '97 A4TS, Aqua/Green.
    Remap: 210 bhp (154 kW). 228lb/ft @ 1 Bar. Bailey DV30.


  5. #4
    fallmonk's Avatar
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    well done mate , thats a paste and post moment !
    I bought a convertable in the wettest country in the world who says Scotsmen dont have a sense of humour !

    "Lets fire up the Quattro" DCI Gene hunt,,,,,,,ashes to ashes

  6. #5
    Olly_K's Avatar
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    quality, one for the jokes section though ?

  7. #6
    bainsyboy
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    I have gone boss eyed reading that

  8. #7
    TDI-line's Avatar
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    Excellent.

    2013 AUDI A3 SB S-LINE : 2.0 TDIQ 184 : GLACIER WHITE :
    : S-TRONIC : COMFORT PACK : SD SAT NAV : FOLDING MIRRORS : HEATED SEATS: RIGID BOOT LINER :

  9. #8
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    made me laugh out loud... hard.... several times....
    very good mate.

 

 

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