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Thread: Monday Humour

  1. #1
    hop2407's Avatar
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    Monday Humour

    Old ones maybe.........


    The Memorial Stone

    A woman's husband dies. He had Ł30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the Ł30,000 left.

    The friend says, "How can that be?

    The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me Ł6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was Ł500, and I spent another Ł500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. . The rest went for the memorial stone."

    The friend says, "Ł22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

    The widow says, "Three carats."

    ---------------------------------------
    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money, Instead I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

    --------------------------------------------

    A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

    Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

    Lion says: "If I roar in the savannah, the entire savannah is afraid of me."

    The chicken says: "Big deal I only have to sneeze, and the entire planet Sh !ts itself."

    --------------------------------------------

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  3. #2
    beaker's Avatar
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    Re: Monday Humour

    Nice! Like the second one.

  4. #3
    marriedblonde's Avatar
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    Re: Monday Humour


    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] ha ha very good

 

 

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