Chrismas Cracker Jokes

I have just got wind of the following security alert.

Over the festive period Police are warning all men who frequently visit clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship"

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered. and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in The phone book.

Remember, stay vigilant, stay safe and have a very merry Christmas...

After great S3X she lay there stroking his manhood, he asked "do you want more S3X?"

"No", she replied, "I'm just admiring your c0ck...... I really miss mine"

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic s3x shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,
replies: 'Yes we do have d1ldos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, sniggering, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww tttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffvvcccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

A BMW driver takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 36," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-six years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

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A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says her body hurts
wherever she touches it.

"That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams; then she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor then asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Mint..... /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lol.gif