· The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
· I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
· She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
· A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
· A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
· A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
· Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
· A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
· Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
· Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
· Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on ahead.'
· I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
· A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
· The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
· The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
· A backward poet writes inverse.
· In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
· When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
· If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
· A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
· Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
· Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
· Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
· Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.