Why does a pizza get to the house faster than an ambulance?
Because pizza delivery guys drive like nutters.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Because Jane doesn't like hairy men.
Why are there handicap parking places in front of the skating rink?
Because handicap people have kids that like skating too.
Why doesn't whoop-*** doesn't come in bottles?
Whoop-*** is big, bottle openings are small.
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?
Because the regular coke is flat as f***.
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
If each flat wasn't apart from the other flats in the block then everyone would be living in one big building-sized room
Why do banks leave both doors open but they chain the pens to the counter?
So the pens don't get blown away by the wind coming through the open doors.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?
Don't know but it works.
Why do Americans leave their expensive cars on the driveway, but have useless junk in the garage?
So the neighbours can see their big fat pimpin' ride.
Why don't the hairs on your arm get split ends?
Do you shampoo and blowdry your arm hairs?
Why do drive-up ATMs have instructions in braille?
For night time usage.
Why is lingerie so popular, if love is blind?
Love is only blind for the first few months.
Why does the sun lighten our hair but tan our skin?
Apparently skin and hair are different things.
Why does lemonade have artificial flavoring but dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Because real lemons taste like SH*T but smell real nice.
Why can't women put on their mascara with their eyes closed?
Dunno, but I'm sure its the same reason they can't park.
Why do banks charge a fee for "non-sufficient funds" when they know you don't have enough money?
To teach your broke a*se a lesson.
Why do you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Using psychic powers to win money will be illegal in the future, and they know this.
Why are outlets electrical but inlets are geographical?
My closest outlet sells shoes, not electricity.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
It is derived from the words 'I broke ya'.
Why isn't anything in Wal-Mart free yet, if they're lowering prices every day?
small print - "we raise prices every day also".
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
It'd be a waste of time. Mice taste like chicken.
Why do they call the airport the terminal, if flying is so safe?
Planes are safe, the lugguage cars that speed around the airport aren't.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The sterilizing solution left on the needle makes it sting more.
Why is dyslexic such a hard word to spell?
Because you are dumb?
Why are the others here, if we are here to help others?
Who?
Why do you believe it when someone tells you there are four billion stars, but you always check when you see the wet paint sign?
If I could count to four billion I'd check.
Why does lighting an outdoor grill always make the wind blow?
Baked beans make the wind blow for me.
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Been there, done that.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Because the music headphones are in the helmet.
..........ok, I'm bored now.
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