what the hell have i got here!?!? help!

Yes mate i went for the remap with the black valve plumbed in as it should be, then came out of the garage with it boosting 10psi to 5k then after that it went to 15psi to redline, long story short the guy there was a knob so i got the remap taken off, then went over to a VAG spealist garage called unit20 in neston, who were awesome! Would reccorment to anyone! An he found 5 fault codes and a massive boost leak from a pipe under the inlet manifold just by the dipstip, so next day the new pipe came in we fitted it all cleared the faults an now the car runs fine, holding boost at around 13psi which is standard, an car feels alot more quicker! So happy now its all over! :)
 
Martin is a good guy, glad he fixed it for you.

The PCV pipes are prone to this some tuners keep them on the shelf now and won't touch a car till it's been smoke tested.

However, I am glad its sorted and that you took the time to post the resolution for others to see too. Thank you